Fer All The Deblunes

Well, I don't believe it, I've been keep'n me good eye on the viewen of me reports. Gyarr, it through me fer a loop, right over the side ya' see. Fer the total number of view, despite the bad spellen, is over 200! (including reloads) Though I may be tuggen me own bierd but fer 10 days in I think thas' pretty good. Time to celibrate...to the Admiral!

Somethen Fer The Whoole Family

Well, its about that time agian. Many propriaters of pilpher-free profesions be maken plans, hopen to visit thier family and friends and enjoy this nice weather. Well, I am sorry to say me crew ain't goin' to to like me vury much. A weekend of hard work be planed, and ye can bet there'd be scrubben invalved. Though the more we plan the less we can drink. *scanning room* Wait, why ain't I 'a drinken now? Where tha' port go? All right, that's better. Now, the more we work the less we can drink, the less we can drink...the less we can drink! I think I am spotten a pattern. An epihpany! Why don't we drink instead of work. I mean we can always try to get booty later, harharhar. Alright, prepair fer an all ashore. I'll see ye all at the Admiral. Gyarr..

Look'n Fer Me Arss

Oh... It be a sad day indeed, me bright buckos. A first, I was in me head, goin' bout me business when we run a'ground on some uncharted island. I gave me watchsman a good sound lashin fer rattlin me ship. A then we a go a'shore (fer provisions, barens and the like) and me first mate seems to be ill. I don't know how many times I told Froyd not to trust those berries. Sos I gots to slash me way inta the very heart with me doctor to find a cure fer them berries. Kuha said that if the island had the toxin in the form of the berries, then logically it a had to have the anti-toxin, or cure. Other wise the animals that eat the berries normally would all die unless there was some natural resitance do to another supliment in their diet. I didn't get what he was a reachen fer, but I figured I'd agree with him or he wouldn't stop explain'n. Sos here we are, me self, the doctor, and two swabs we call mules. Sees, we call them mules cause they carry provisions, rations, and emergency equiptment, like a shovel. Now we're a walken along when, wouldn't you know it, me keen senses detect danger. "Avast ye dogs," I warn, "There be unstable ground afoot!" For me foot had sunk about 12 inches into the earth. Me crew being the best, ran back to the ship to get aid for never before had they encounterd such an advisary. Well, there a mule that a left behind, fer emotional support. I called out to him to lower a branch. And wouldn't you know it, the swab did just that. He pulled as I climbed and I was able to get out. "Quick sand," says I and I pats the mule on 'is back, fer a job well done. But, he get's all week kneed and jumps into sand. And before me crew could arive a bring'n that master at arms, I had lost me ass.

A Sweet Sensation

Intro,... Report #1,... Report #2

So this be nice, I certnly think so and I be pretty sure me crew would agree with me. Sos I get a mesage from a scurvy curr, sayen he's read me roports and would like me ta talk him up some. Sos I go through and read his reports in kind, and wouldn't you know he be some sort of tree huggen land lover. He calls himself a "Park Ranger." I don't know what that is, but I am certain it dosn't involve enough rum! Sos I go on and find his reports to be the sweetest (no pun intended) thing I have ever read, apart from cat tales, on acounten that I like cats. What? A pirate captain can like cats and still be a frighten' feind. Yarr!! See, frighten.

Anyway, me point it, the body of it be full of heart warming stories. Me thinks the yellow back ground attributes to the see, but I never had much of a faundness fer the color me self. Though it be a little unorginized. Ok, it be a lot unorganized. He don't have any o' the atomatic page turners along the side, not until ye get to the bottom least ways. Though I don't beleive he ment fer it to be too formal. I can't says too much he do have a sweety that has to be kept in the dark about something, shhh, its a secret. But, I have a lot of resect fer the guy. Not becuase we agree on keepen women in the dark, but cause he be a man o passion. He loves the trees and land like I love the waters. I think that really comes out, you know what I mean. And I also think if find some Tubbing tatter dump'n trash in me blue waters thar will be hell to pay. Gyarr!!

it be the passion he has that sets him square above the rest. Like a child being held over the port by the back o' their lil' britches, you just want to squirm with excitment. But, I be stearen off course. I don't begin to guess what he format is fer, if anything. Other then a place to talk bout what he likes, which is nature, funny enough. But, I think that is all I give fer now. I got a wench'n ta do, I off to the Admiral.

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The Oracle

Intro,... Report #1,... Report #3

Gyarr.. it be so funny. This Jessymandias cracks me up. This lad be a pirate to the end. He started report'n sos he didn't have to shower to go about talken. Bless 'em. Though, I think he could still go out and about. Just cause ye smell don't mean that anyone else's noise matters. If you can put up with it, and you can put up with them, then they gotta put up with you. Only change if they put out, but that's putten it lightly. Gyarr. So, you may ask me, "captain, why bother with his reporten when it's only five entries long?" Let me tell you why, because its bloody hilarious. Just like a noble gen'lman who be missing a good chunck of some'n, like an arm, or head. That be funny, a nobleman miss'n a head, running around for a couple o' seconds wav'n his arms franticly, as if to say,"Oh my, I seem to be missing my head." But he can't on acount that he don't got 'is head harharhar.

As fer the reason he started report'n I don't have the foggiest. There dosn't seem to be much of a pattern as of yet. He does tend to put a thought er two into 'is writing, on acount of the jokes. But the meaning o' his reports be like barnicles on ye feet. Ye don't know the're there, 'til ye put yer foot right on top of it. Gyarr. Though the story 'bout the snake and hampster be really cute. And the count the letters one be particularly hard fer me, on acount of distinguish'n letter ain't me strongest suit.

But, I think he mearly be trying to coment apon the world as it is, point'n out its oddities and celibrating its incongruites. Maybe there might come some kind of jurnaling, but mostly it be notebooking. Focused and such. Not that I put much stock in any Blood that isn't read and ain't in me veins or on me cuttless. har.

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A Pressd Fer Time

Intro... Report #2... Report #3

It seems to me that I don't know me own crew. It be only natural fer women to be talken 'bout feelings. Though, I was a bit desterbed when I read it, it be good as most ye know, but I was still a bit disterbed. I expected a more formal and concise entry from me. Press Gang Officer However, jawen 'bout Miss Conceptions ain't a billowen the sails. What struck me firs' be the drawings in the back ground, they make it hard fer me to read, and believe me readen ain't easy. But I think that can go aside fer now.(bein' she's the one who a'caries the nine tails) As Fer drawens and scriblins art she has a few. And they be good work to. She may come off confident in her entries but the entries ain't confident anuff. She gots all these folks tellen her thar a'fine art. I should have her draw a portrait o' me likeness. But, I better move on. Now as fer the purpose of her journalen' I think it be just that, with a little more. She a has a blurb at the top talken about submitions fer writtens and the like Which I believes speaks volumes about her character and dedication to other thing then pressen'. The sort of desturbes be to. Do all me officers have lives when they be off me clock?

Also, thar seems to be an evolven theme commen' up. Dream Journalen, it be a relativly new concept but I don't think she be the first to write on them. Two entries it seems amoung the "recents." One about the dream at her house, which I've heard of and give props to the father fer a killen that whore. The second be about the sleepless dreams. A cacophony of disturbing concepts in every bite. I do agree with her, I miss the balding gally hand as well, ar. I don't believe any herbs of science can gave ye special dreams though. Sometimes they port sometimes don't. Gyarr, though I do beleive that these things do have a specail significance. Like me Helms-man said. Though I don't know what that could be. Getten imput fer dreams is a good idea though. I'd try it but the only thing I think of is sea and treasure, pretty much me regular day. Though they smell better, 25 sweating men that havn't bathed in months on the same 40 foot boat tends ta offend the noise.

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Reporting

Report #1, Report #2, Report #3

Gyarr, and ahoy, it be a new day. A day fer reflection and a further undersanden of me crew... and a few land lovers. I have taken the liberty of demanden journalen (on the advice of me council) to prevent miss-treatment aboard me boards, harharhar. That way, apparently, I will know when I am too harsh, or too soft on 'em. A few tales of the sea I might throw in to. Needless to say it be fun fer the whole family. And remember I don't don't demand much (demand bein' the key word) but a lil' o'yer time and 200 deblunes. Let nobody say I ain't a generous captain. Yarr, before a perusin this report please view the [Disclamir], thank ye fer your time. As Fer the order o reporten, as many have done so far, I am going to start with me Press Gang Officer , The Great Jessymandias , and a tree hugger. Though I might get to a lass from australia if there be time. And I a hope there be time, gyarr. What be a pirates favorite notion (sewing bits and bobs) A Yyarn, gyarr let the tales begin.

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The People We Meet

Well, I was at the Blue Admiral once again, though I did go to the Eastern the place was a bit dead and I found just how "strong"family ties be about here, yarr. Whilest I was a taken in the fine service at the Admire a mate o mine Mike the Man-Handler requested I spread his reports out. So's I took a look about found them to me hilarious, harharhar. No man should be alowed to be that funny, so I had him walk the plank, though I didn't specify and he moon walked and me crew loved it so much I signed him up. He did have something interesting to say about the whiskey. This whiskey, we shall say, was served to us in small cups, on acount of the fact that they were out of shot glasses, out of shot glasses! The blastphamy!! Sos we take these shots and mikes says, "I've licked better monkey a$$!" I figured that his story should be understood from a deeper level and I desided to ask him some questions to satify me curiosity. Well, I've have dicided that I was wrong, and wish I could take those questions back, or scower be brain which ever I can do quicker. He now be a member of me crew, though he might not realize it till he finds his legs tomarow. Right sloshed he was, walken on land tonight as if it were his firs' in years. Yet, I best be going about me other reporten, though I do wish me parchement would stop spinning. Till that happy day

Polly

Gyarr, with me new found skills atracten' the wenches I feel it be about time to step me game up. I was at the Blue Admiral, taken in the local "custom" and found folks to be in a good mood. Aparently one o' the local goverments had just found a chest o' deblues and was a sharen it wit the common folks. Well what will common folk do but go out the local ale houses and throw caution to the sails, (par-fect for a pirate like me.) They where a buyen me drinks left and right and the lasses would come up a' comment upon me hat. They said I looked quite fetching in it, and I said they looked quite fetching in it too. They even like me feather, said it looked dignified. I said the feather saved me life a couple o' times and they giggled. It was a good night o' wenchen. Well, sos I was haven a good time and have a pint with a lass when something falls out o' her purse. I's being a genulmin reached down and picked it up off o the floor. It was a dingy wrap, buey bag, and a condom you see. I could tell she was a very progresive lass. She was a progressen on me through the whole time we was a drinken. But I be a stearing away from the topic at hook. Well's I reach for it and say, "why shiver me timbers, it be polly the profalactic!" The lass bursts into giggles t'which I can only assume this is a good thing and I says, "do ye know the trick to make polly talk?" Well, she didn't take kindly to that remark and dumped ice upon me britches. As she walk away I mocked her and spoke to the present she left, "Does polly want a slut?" Gyarr, it bring a tear to me eye even now, or was that the peper spray, I can't recolect. But, I am sure that once I sobber up I will laugh and laugh. harharhar. The only problem is I can't go to the Admiral for a while. Particularly cause the lass belonged to one o' the biggest bartenders I have ever seen. Sos my legs stear me to the Eastern Tavern, if they be reliable by then, to celibrate the 21 day of birth for a little lass who is a favorate at the Inn. But, I think I need to find some place to pass out. What who be ye, avast and unfold curr and we shall see what ye be made of... uh..uhhh...

A Weary Night O' Wenchen

Gyarr, so's I went out with a few old mate of mine fer "a couple a pints, we have pilaging in morning." We end up about a fist full in each and having the time of our lives. So's it doesn't take long fer me mates to says the ussual flatery. "The wench was a winkin' at ye," they says. "Barnicles," I says, "T'was no winkin' only be conversin' wit' the owner." First I thought that she was a convercing with the owner, then as I watched her, she began a wachen' me. Tis' true lads, and none of a word of it a lie. Well, a long yarn short, I end's leven' me dock number on the tip, sayen' "call upon me." How pathetic is that. Like I said I was a few in, and had I been in a right mind I would o' just taken her and had me way with her. But, I am glad I got out of there when I did. NEVER drink with lasses that can out drink you, they play tricks of the mind as well as the heart. I am problably goin' to be waiten on this wenches call, her name I never botherd o' asken. Fer what I ask, am I not the fiercest pirate, the black hearted bucanier, what do I can if a nameless wench is impressed by me scabard? Ego, what else? So's I will keep you all posted, as they say, harharhar. Until then, I need to clear me head, I heard rumor of a merchent scow ladden with fine firs. I'm off to gain back me manhood, and perhaps a nice gift fer the lass.

Expination from a New Location

Whist I was off, scoweren' the taverns and ale house I heard a set of unusual rumors about a member of me crew. I feel I can safely divaulge this information with only little bit o' fiben, gyarr. Story goes that there once was a great captain who sailed waters near here, he was firce and had a beard that insired fear and terror to all who served under him. He gathered a great crew indeed and lead in song and pilegin. Though a rival captain started to sail his waters and the two began a pissen' contest to rival all others. Crew and bit of debris flew off of ships to din of nine pounders, screams and cries issued from both sides. But the determination this great captain could not be a shanken. Fer his authority was chalenged and so had to be assurted once and fer all. Well it happened in an intant, as the captain was a barken' orders to prepair for a boarden' one o' the lilly livered crew o' his oponent had swung from the riggens to his ship with sword in hand. Now that captain was a quick man but mildly distracted. The cur swong through and as he past, the captain drew his saber catchen his hit on the rib-nub(xiophod proses) and caring the blade about his belly as easy as he was a cutten vegatables. His great blade had cut the curs stomach open from navel to back and all sorts of inerds where a spillen' out. However, the captain was not unscathed, the foes blade found its mark and had cut the captains face something firce. The cut had not only stole his reputation but sealed his doom forever. Blood and beard hair dripped from his face. The scare isn't as visable now, but the great captain, known fer his fearce beard had lost it all. Ashamed and mail-formed he sulked about the streets. Where upon I met him as the mocary he gained was a sort of amusment for me I am now sorry to say. Soon his drunken antics had saild their way into me heart and I took him aboard as Patches the Curious. It seems he is trien to hide his past though, a bit ashamed I'd wager or maybe just a ploten' for revisiting that con of a catain and his cowerdly crew. Whatever the reason he and his slapstick missadventures shall always be welcome under me mastes.

Report

I've got yer message, hic, and I feel it might be a little strang but, gyarr we salts have to stick together. I was dragged out of the Blue Admiral, something about an unpaid tab and ticklin' the waiting wenches. Barnicals I says, should be what be we dogs of the see strive fer. My helm's man dragged me off and I give report from the safty of his celler. (though he did make careful sure that all o' his women folk wernt in reach.) As far as what Miss Blood has to say I denounce it, just makes me want to ramble on, though not what all the crew wants to hear. Oh.. my head... bad rum is never a good cure. I am surounded by all sorts of noise and singen' sos I gots to be brief. As fer Sharon I just fawn over her pics. gyarr. I thinks Miss Hodgson is getting tiered of my comentry as I think I have been blocked out. and loni, well Loni is a diffrent lass, who I think would make a fine addition to the crew. Though be married and on the move, happy for her hubby. That's the way a wife should act mind, obident and putten' her husband first. No slight against the lass though, no slight. Me first mate also celibrate his second year on the water, he's still o'bit green but we support him the same, [happy] gyarr. But me covers been blown I better be getten' Damn troops.

A Special Kind of Holiday

Gyarr. so it seems to me that looten' and pilaging should be free fer all.. well 'cept those dirty ninjas. And so it happens that today we celibrate a kind of freedom that embraces us all. The love of the open waters and gentle rise and fall of your poop as you clasp onto the riggens. Now don't peg me wrong, harharhar, I'm not a sentamental salt. But some times there be a need to hold respect fer men who deid fer what they believe in, specialy when that belief was couaperation and unity. Though I can't be putten' all the jesten aside, on acount that would go against that code of the Jolly Rogger, I can say that as we sails these waters a day on non-aggretion should be raised. To stop all the haten and all the conflicting, to drink, sing and wench (especially wench). And if ye got bothers with mate settle it, unless it be over a tab in which case that be up to yer descresion. But we be all most into port now, bring yer salty dogs to the Blue Admiral and we can continue over a pint. Lose the sails the totterin' dofers or be tossed 'long the anchor. Gyarr.

Join the Crew

I've been planing to make a little adition to me crew, though it be a bit rough. I've got a lass in mind yet she be away dealing with "family matters." (Good show, we all know Urcle was a pirate from way back, though the foundness of cheese was a bit..disterbin'.) As I was saying, I mean to enlist, or press, this lass abord under the Jolly Roger though she bein' away it gives me shall we say an unpresidented opertunity. And I shall shall pass that chance to ye slippery dogs. What shall this dark maiden be known as? The Little Orical that Could? Galley Wench? Or perhaps somethin' kinder? I shall let ye all decide upon her fate, as she decides upon yours. Pick her name and be ready to unfold yer cutless... defend yer reasoning or be ready to scrub the barnicles. Gyarr the wind shifts again, avast ye dogs! Unfurl and stand fast or lashes to the lot of ye'

A New Captain

Ever since I was marooned on that God forsaken pile o' sand I've been plotting me revenge. And nothing make a more...explosive entrence, shall we say, then a gullet full of gunpowder if ye get my meaning, gyarr! So's I go to the Blue Admiral and sits at the bar where I hears this dull click followed by the "crunch" of hard sand under a heavy boot and I know whos it is. It belongs to frighten' man with a grin too terrible fer words. A smile to fetch the most innocent lass and twinke about his eye barely glimpsin' into his dasdardly ways. I great the old sea dog, the scur himself, The Beardless Captain. Famous in these frozen waters fer all he had done. So's I have pint or two with em and 'is crew... and that's all I remember. Folks says there was a brawl, not saying it didn't happen mind but all I recall is starring up as me officers be babling about astrology. "Barnicals," I says, "A cup a stout would treat ye well enough and could solve relations better 'an any book I know. But hey I'm only the Captain, oh, and nobody moves my pianer'." Then it got dark again and me crew gave me a sitten' chair. When I came to this morn all I remembers is I was over charged fer me grog and me sun sign vibration pattern is at a 6-8 with virgo. Though the salt air it be a callen, gyarr!

Avast!

Welcome ye lilly liverd land lovers to the wide ocean of truth that is, gyarr, your new home on the sea.